As if the fact that it has been nearly four months since my last blog post isn’t evidence enough that I did the right thing, I finally sent in my notice for work! This week will be my last at the restaurant. It took me a hella long time to come to this decision, even though I thought I had made up my mind when I was road tripping with my parents (everything is better on the road). I realized why the decision was so hard when I realized that it was about more than money. It was about the stability of work. It was about my anxious brain benefiting from purpose, from someone telling me what to do. It was about feeling productive after a 12 hour shift (and then promptly erasing it from my mind). It was about what its always been about, using constant excuses and distractions to keep me from chasing my potential. Last year it was school and friends. Now it was work. I found myself stuck in exactly the handcuffs I came here to free myself of. I remember craving freedom, for once in my life not having to answer to an institution, a school, a job, a boss, a girlfriend. Despite this, the capitalist subject trades in one pair of handcuffs for another. And most of the time she does so willingly, because the handcuffs can be cozy. They give you a sense of purpose and security. Because really being free is scary. When your hands are chained they can’t do too much. But when they’re free there’s no excuse for what they aren’t doing, no excuse for not building a masterpiece, theres no hiding behind chains.
Having the freedom, the time, no excuses present, to chase your dreams and manifest your goals is scary. Theres so much pressure to succeed. Mostly from yourself, but also from those around you. When you choose to commit to something, fully, you’re taking a huge risk. What it comes down to is fear. Its not about money, its about fear. Of the unknown, of that leap, of failure, of feeling unmotivated and not achieving your goals and dreams. When you’re an entrepreneur, an artist, you make your own purpose. When you work for The Man, you show up, are given tasks, complete them, and go home. When you work for yourself, you make your own tasks, your own schedules. You decide your own hours and goals. You define your own success. You watch the hours drip by, constantly tormented by not having enough time.
I’ve been hiding behind work, school, and other defences; using them as wind blockers. Im proud of myself, albeit a little scared, for having the courage to step out from behind them, and face the wind without excuses, without major distractions, without the fear of being blown away.
I got kinda sad for a minute because I felt like maybe I’m not cut out for the kind of life I thought I wanted, for whatever it is I came here to do. Maybe I’m meant to be boring, maybe I’d be happier that way. But then I was like, nah fuck that. Because I believe in doing things that scare you. If it makes you feel something, its probably a good idea. And I believe in being as risk-oriented as possible. If not now, when?
Not to say I haven’t done anything else since I’ve started working. Look out for some post-dated blog posts about what the last few months of my life have entailed!